Invite nice girl over? Be depressed? Call and make plans and deal with shitshow?
I don't wanna unload on her or be in a funk.
I just wish.... So many things.
And I miss my best friend. I miss my band mates. I miss my Ashley

Argument.

Life would be so much easier if you would just choose a gender

Who said I ever wanted life to be easy? It's not who you are.

Okay but you can't complain when people refuse to try to understand it.

Yes I can. They're being ignorant

It's not their fault you can't be normal.

It's not my fault they can't get their head out their ass and smell the 21st century.

Whatever. Just don't get so upset then

I'm allowed to have feelings.

I wish I could claw at my chest until my ribs were exposed, smash them and rip out my heart because I am so tired of it

Andrea Gibson Appreciation post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvaV6h2r4-o&sns=em

Birthday. Reason one billion I want my tree tattoo.

On this note- I am tired of crying and emotions and so ready to be overtaken by sleep.

I am still as a lost child.

Easily disappointed and lied too.
Taken advantage of and no where to call home.
I am alone in this world and so often lonely.
The empty hallow of my chest cries voicelessly.
With scraped knees and a bruised body I sit on this street
I am cold and I am often hungry.
I draw others to me like moths to a flame.
I need their light around me to keep mine from burning out.
It burns so bright but is but embers.
I need forests. I need sky and I need trees.
I need art and music and diversity and the chaos of the city streets.
I need people. With their different colors and interests and loves and accents and moods and laughs and lives.
I need music. Symphonies and orchestras and bass drops and snares and crescendos and synth and lyric and harmonies and screaming and guitars and melodies and riffs.

Just fail.

God it would be so much easier than having to deal with this shit that isn't even my fault.
But I won't

You think I will ever get tired of running and just lie down and let life steamroll me over?

Fuck.

That awesome moment you realize you are literally failing at every aspect in life.

Well then...

Today I am actually logged onto a desktop to post. When I first logged in I noticed a little thing labeled page views. I clicked on it and was kind of shocked.

People actually read this?

And then come back and continue reading?

This is strange. These words are just feelings of mine, or thoughts or musings.  A way to get them out, to express them. I know they rarely make sense. Or maybe they do. Too those who may feel the same way at any rate.

So if you're reading this; thanks. That's pretty fucking cool.

I guess I'm having a bad day.

You cannot be disappointed when people don't give you what you don't have courage to ask for

Your love will end up killing me

And I keep telling myself I haven't fallen for you, I'm not in love with you cuz my reality is too painful to be true

Just one song to make you fall in love.

I try to relax and unwind, try to silence my turning mind but these words just keep pouring out
You can't silence a troubled heart

And it's times like these I miss you most desperately. When I feel strange and like I don't even belong in my own skin. Cuz you make it make sense. You make me remember my song. You make me sit comfortable in my skin and my twister heart settle in my chest.

The outcry of my heart is to have yours next to mine. I can keep telling myself it's only a matter of time, but I promised never to lie to myself. I still can't work out how not to make this beauty a hell.

I cry through song, cuz my eyes have forgotten how to sing along.
My heart bleeds with the melody and I hold on for all I'm worth to the only thing holding me to this earth.

Every single fucking time I've put myself out there I've gotten hurt. I don't even think it's necessarily the people I love, but EVERYTHING else. Like the MOTHER FUCKING UNIVERSE DOESN'T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY AND ALL I'VE EVER TRIED TO DO IS BE A GOOD SISTER AND A FRIEND AND DAUGHTER AND I FUCKING FAIL MISERABLY AND ALL I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE IS HELP PEOPLE NOT EVER BE IN MY SITUATION OR FEEL AS SHITTY AS ME AND FUCKING EVERYTHING SPITES ME AND NOTHING IS WORKING OUT FOR ME PLEASE DEAR GOD TELL ME WHAT I'VE DONE WRONG. I know I'm a fuck up.

Wrong Alex

No. You're not feeling lonely. If you felt lonely the messages, texts, and emails from others wouldn't annoy you. You just miss her.

Being transparent

I am yet a ghost to you. Whispering words to the darkness. A phantom presence in the light. No matter how much I could feel like home, I will never be flesh and bones.
Separated by a veil, trapped in a personal hell.

In this moment I can be content to move on, to a light, or to forever lie out the dark.
I know I will never be able to feel your heart.

On a happy note.

Started the day out with cuddles on the couch with my sister, listening to Florence and the Machine and just chilling and being goofy. Then shopping- so much more goofy.
Then lunch which was the epitome of goofy. At the Pizza House which was this fantastic Greek place with like a dinner feel. Excellent food!
We had a spectacular pizza dripping with toppings and cheese. Then Oreo, strawberry, and chocolate covered cheesecake for dessert. So yummy. Such a good time. I love being with my sister and nana. They bring out the best in me. I laughed and smiled the whole time. Ate till I got lethargic and ate more.
Came home and shot guns with the boys briefly.
They came up for dinner and I had an awesome cuddle sesh turned wrestling match with the boys and puppy, then sat outside and talked and bantered with my uncle and the fam who followed me out.
Awesome dinner talking and joking, telling takes about haunted houses we had put on.

Just an awesome day. Wish I didn't have class Monday.

Trying not to sleep angry.

Shit this sucks. Why am I always in these situations? Why do I always want the unobtainable? Yearn for what I can never have. I can give myself reasons and explanations and circumstances in which it could work- but I feel I am lying to myself. Maybe I just want to be in love. Why though? Ended such shit last time. Why do I constantly want to make myself believe in love. Cuz that's all there is really is. Everything else I've ever known had faded and fallen and flipped upside down.
Love had turned on me too though. Oh I don't know. I'm just an overly sensitive, stupid little fuck who needs to sleep.

I have no reason

Oct 19 503
Weird cold sweat again. Thing is I can remember my dream (parkour transman love) and it wasn't upsetting at all. My alarm actually woke up me too which is different. I was just taking a nap. And it wasn't as bad as unusually is. Not as stick/gross, heart not beating to fast. I know I wasn't hot cuz I only ya the small blanket on, and it's relatively cool in here. And I have shorts and a tee on.
Why does this happen?

My brain just shut off.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYWWHHHHYYYYY. UG IM so upset! The last few days have been so fucking good. Why am all of a sudden fucking shutting off. DAMNIT! Why why!?!?!?!?!?!??!!!!!!?!!!???!??! I'm just sitting here listening to Amanda Palmer and doing an assignment for class and mother fucker I just don't even know. So now just sad. And I have no reason to be. I've had such good days!! My "daughter" finally got back in touch with me, and me and my "wife" have been fine talking, and things are going awesome for those two. I stayed the night with my best friend and had a wonderful time. I had my favorite class today, got to sleep in, the got fed carrot cake in class. Not to mention all I do in that class is listen to and talk about music.

WHY WHY AM I UPSET I WAS FINE OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEE!?!

From a professor II

I'm so pleased what you leaned surprised you, but please don't ever thinking the best of people because that's a rare quality to possess.

And then

There are the days that I lock myself in the public bathroom stall and listen to Andrea Gibson.

I will one day be far from this place.

October third

I lie here and think of what might be. Of songs and walks and you and me. Of cool autumn days and long lingering nights. Of whispering sweet nothings and meaningless fights.
Of smiles and tears and kisses and hugs. Doing dishes together and debating whether to kill or release freaky bugs.
Of holding your hand and sometimes your purse. You helping me decide on a tie, or finish writing a verse.
Of feeling your heart beat next to mine, of hearing you say my name or start to whine.
Of belting musical numbers at the top of our lungs, of holding you close until the tears are gone and you are calm.
Of cooking you dinner and setting the table, of patience and waiting just do what you're able.
Of holding your hand and sharing your dreams, till the day everything is exactly as it seems
Of making you laugh and letting you cry, of being beside you the day that you die
Of the good and the bad and everything in between,
For now: the day you finally see, my love my darling, you should be with me.

When I get frustrated:

Ugh. I just want to give up and go be a crack whore on the streets.
But I don't like drugs. And I don't want to sleep with just anybody.
Plus- I don't even have a tent.
... So I won't give up.

Haaappppyyyy

Talking to my lovely ladies, feeling such relief
Going to bed with much accomplished in freshly laundered sheets
Yeah there are things I could ask for to make life better
But why stress and worry about them and be left bitter?
I sigh and yawn with simple contention
Let tomorrow bring its struggles and all it's complications.

From a professor.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are most likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."- M. Scott Peck, M. D

Come what may:

I still know who I am.
I have a burning passion in me.
A song in my soul.
A good head on my shoulders.
Itching ears willing to hear.
A drumming in my heart.
People who love me
Wind in my lungs.
Strong arms to defend and protect.
A mind wide open.
A firm belief at my core
And legs ready to break down the doors others dare only to knock at.

And nothing else matters.

Steph

I really shouldn't be staying up late with you. But I guess I'm super aware of your expectation date.
I don't want to get close to you- but fuck it that's why I'm so drawn to you.
Tell me your life story. Pour out all those things that make you unique. The hardships of your life. All the ones you've lost.
Tell me sports stories and about how you've earned your scars and concussions. Your championships and losses.
Lets talk about how we're so much the same, and our favorite video games. Yell me about your love, your best friend and I'll listen as you talk about nearing the end.

Tell me about your son conceived out of hate, tell me how much it hurt when he died at age eight. Tell my about your girlfriend, how she died in your arms, tell me how protective you are- how for the ones you love you'll always take up your arms.

When you look at me like that I'm gonna bail- I have class I have to pass out, but I swear: for how ever long, in whatever way you've gained a lifelong friend today.

Well play playstation and I'll keep you updated about her when you gone. I'll sit outside with you as you smoke and ask you what you think about this girl. I'll help you live it up man. And when it's over- ill be there for those you are forced to leave behind. Promise.

And I've only known you about five days.

Aug, 24, 2012

June 20 2012

She looks for answers, but only finds darkness
Something begins to break apart
Searching for something to seal with a kiss
Looking to fall something she can feel in her heart
Every street corner leers at her under cover
She tried her best and still stumbles and falls
She wanders these roads, her shadow her only brother
Sing to find another, in the moonlight she calls
Trying to make mistakes and screws it all up
Can't remember what it feels like to be normal. Okay

Doors

I believe we all have a door, beyond which lies some unknown part of our being that has been lost or forgotten somewhere along the way.

Femme Fatal (the intro)

When it comes to you it's so easy for me to fall.
Into your arms
To bury myself in your skin
To fall for your charms.
For my heart to skip
My hands to tremble

Honestly- it scares me how easy it would be to fall for you.
It pushes me away. And logically it's all for the better.
But when you bury your face in my neck- when you wrap your arm around my waist, when your legs are tangled in mine- its easy to forget all my nice and neat little reasons.

Hey- Ya!

Just leaving this here so my blog doesn't seem so dismal and lonely. Forgot about blogger. Figured I may as well come back to have a place to leave my thoughts and ideas and also quite honestly my angsty feelings bullshit.
My feelings get quite intense. I am an intense person. I don't know how or why, but it is how and what I am.

In short, I am a lover, a fighter, a musician, a nerd, protector, a boy, a girl, someone who doesn't believe in gender (at least as a stagnate binary thing), a creator, a procrastinator, a friend, a damn good friend, and a believer.

Anything else go look at my profile. For the things I like and such.